Periodically throughout my adolescent years I kept a journal
- rarely with real conviction or consistency. Reading back through some of this
now I get the impression that little has changed throughout the 15 years
elapsed from my first entry at 13 and my most recent at 28.
The key theme I note throughout the years – this is the
writing of a spoiled child. He wants more. Often, he thinks he knows what he
wants, but when he gets it, it is not enough. He is trying to fill a hole. He
tries material matters, emotional experiences, friendships, substances, a
career, love. Unfortunately for him, these brief encounters are but a trap, as
for a fleeting moment they provide the answer to life, that missing piece of
the jigsaw that completes the puzzle. Harmony. It never lasts.
I spent 6 months travelling in 2010 - where I picked up my habit - but only remember it as the best time of my life.
I find study of the brain fascinating. My mind struggles immensely
with euphoric recall. My interpretation of this phenomenon is simply an unconscious
trick my mind plays whereby it holds on to these moments of happiness like a
mother to her new-born child. There is no letting go.
In some senses, I suppose it is a form of misguided
nostalgia. If I look back on my early childhood, some of my fondest memories
are attached to spending hours upon hours immersing myself in video games.
Nintendo have built a business on this nostalgia. For me personally, Zelda,
Mario and Pokémon franchises defined the years leading up to my adolescence.
Every few years, Nintendo release a new console with updated
versions of those original franchises and I buy into that as it evokes the
memories of joy I had playing those games as a child. There have been a small
minority of games within these new franchises that have captivated my
imagination in such a way as those early games, but the memories are overpowering,
they defy the reason centre in my brain so that I act against all logic, buying
into each new franchise, often to be disappointed. I think this has less to do
with the games themselves, which are in all honesty fantastic, but more to do
with the fact that I cling to the hope that by beginning a new Zelda quest it
will bring me back to a happier time in my life. Perhaps this is just me, but I
challenge anyone who played through Zelda: Ocarina of Time to watch the new
trailer for
Breath of the Wild and see what emotions this brings up for you.
For me, the excitement watching this gameplay trailer was on a level with the
rush and excitement I feel when I have finally found a quiet bathroom to sit
down in, cook up my shot and then finally see the blood ooze out into the
needle as I have registered in a vein.
Bliss.
It is this feeling that my mind remembers. Not the running
around for hours on end before that moment trying to get together money to
score, the sickness, the pain I have so carelessly inflicted on parents,
partners, friends, myself. The paranoia, the insanity. Yes, my rational brain
is aware that these are all consequences of my using. But do I feel them? Do I
connect with them emotionally? Not one bit. I simply connect with the perceived
feeling of euphoria, painlessness and satisfaction that comes when the drugs
enter my system. I feel the good feelings. I don’t feel the bad feelings. Intellectually
I know they exist, but when the mind feels so strongly the anticipation of a
reward, those good feelings, and cannot connect with the negatives, it is no
surprise that the behaviour loop repeats time and time again, despite those
negative consequences getting worse, and worse, and worse. Last week I sold my
Nintendo collection, my childhood happiness, the false nostalgia. I sold those
lies to get money to buy more lies. All to fill a void, all in the search for
happiness.
Even writing this now puts me in an extremely dangerous,
vulnerable headspace. In 30 seconds, I have gone from fondly writing about
video games to planning an escape from my current situation. Complete disregard
for my family, their feelings. It’s Christmas? So what. I want a fix. I don’t
care what gets in my way, who I hurt, I want what I want and I will do what I must
in order to get that. Flashback to the 13 year old writing his first diary
entry, spoiled child. If you get in my way, I’ll hurt your feelings with
complete disregard of any consequences.
This is a habit loop. An animal instinct which resides deep
in the core of our brains. To ignore what has over millions of years become a
survival instinct: trigger à
routine à
reward, as I have found out over the past few years, is beyond challenging. But
millions of people across the world who have suffered from mental health issues
including addictions to both substances and behaviours have found ways to
overcome this.
My rational mind knows that using drugs brings with it
misery, poverty, homelessness, disease, ultimately death, and those are just
the affects to myself. For those loved ones who still cling on to hope that
their addict may one day recover, I argue that they suffer even worse. All the
same feelings of hopelessness, despair, fear, wide ranging mental health
issues, but unlike the addict or alcoholic they suffer these feelings without
the substance to numb the pain. At least the addict finds temporary relief with
each fix, no matter what pain they may have endured to get there.
I have read many inspiring accounts of addiction and
recovery, and many of these have been truly gut wrenching. I do not use
gut wrenching simply as a generic
expression that I’ve heard used time and time again to describe the actions of
alcoholics and addicts, because I do hear the term thrown around frequently in
meetings and in first-hand accounts of others who struggle with problems like
these. I chose these two words carefully as they describe exactly the physical
sensations experienced by myself when reading some of these harrowing accounts
of active addiction. First comes the nausea, a sinking feeling in the abdomen,
physical symptoms in my stomach, tightening, increased heart rate, anxiety escalating
to full on panic when certain passages really hit home. For me, the most
painful part of this that I live with every day is the simple fact of how my
actions have devastated the lives of those around me. Unfortunately, in my
experience, and I’m sure many can relate, it is those that we love most who get
dragged through the shit, deeper and longer than anyone else.
It is through reading memoirs, blogs, first-hand accounts written
by addicts that can dig beneath the euphoric recall and expose the life of an
addict for what it truly is. It is so incredibly painful, I think, because I
can relate. I know that the actions being described are identical to those I
have carried out myself, and if I haven’t quite gotten that far yet, I see the
reality of the situation and know that, although I may not have sunk to such
depths yet, I know that the path leads one way only. We continue to decline, we
cheat, rob, sell our bodies, sell our souls and ultimately take our own lives
when we have sunk so far down the rabbit hole, in our isolation we can see no
way out.
There is always a way out. Recovery is not easy, it is not
natural, it doesn’t happen overnight and to be honest, I don’t think I fucking want it
enough. I see my younger siblings getting their lives back on track, my best friends around me getting 6 months sober, throwing themselves into the program, or doing it their own way, it doesn't matter how they do it, just that they're doing it! And they're happy. It makes me so fucking proud of them, so happy for them. It also makes me so upset that I can't be there on that journey with them.
I want to want it. I've tried doing it for girlfriends, family, and sometimes I think I've wanted it for myself. But it doesn't last, and what good is that?
I find myself in a situation
now where I have but two choices, recover, or give up. The alternative to
recovery at this stage is to dive head first into the rabbit hole. But I know
it’s there, I know what I need to do to get there, and I know that I can do it.
For me, it is not a matter of how to do it, because the solution is simple. It
does, however, require hard work, determination, and an absolute desire above
all else to fight for your recovery.
Summer 2014 - think this might have been the last time I was actually happy and clean from opiates at the same time. Love, happiness, its never enough. I relapsed a matter of days later.
I am grateful for those who have managed to capture the
insanity, depravity, and unparalleled selfishness of active addiction. Those
who have been brave enough to put honest accounts of their stories out there.
They help me see through my euphoric recall, and they may ultimately help with
my recovery.
